Terminal Cancer

Discovery
We found out Friday, Oct 17th, that Catherine’s oldest brother, Rick, has been diagnosed with stage four gall bladder cancer. There are only 4 stages which means that Rick’s cancer is terminal and his life expectancy is suddenly 2 to 4 months.

Rick has been struggling with health issues for many years, but about two years ago they took a sharp turn for the worse and became severe health issues. The source of these problems, ulcerative colitis, became so acute that he had to have his entire colon removed. For almost two years Rick has been recovering from this surgery and adjusting to the change in his body. Because of ‘normal’ problems that occur when one has no large intestine and because of lingering complications and infection, the symptoms of the cancer’s development and growth where hidden. For the past week and a half Rick has experienced a persistent blockage in his small intestine that required surgical intervention. It was during this surgery, last Friday (October 17th ), that the cancer was discovered. It had already metastasized and spread prolifically. The surgical procedure was cancelled and all medical treatment immediately reprioritized to quality of life rather than longevity.

It has been a sobering and heart wrenching three days. It is one of those moments in life when you will always remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news. I want to write down some of the thoughts and feeling that I’ve had as I’ve internalized this news myself and watched Catherine struggling with the knowledge that death is coming quickly for her brother.

Relationship
To begin with, I’d like to memorialize the greatest contribution Rick has made to my life. That contribution is his influence on my wife Catherine. As a young woman, Catherine became estranged from church and the concept of family. For many years she was a bit aimless. As she entered adulthood she began searching for what she wanted her life to be. At that time, her sights landed on Rick and Michelle. She joined their family as Aunt Cathy and spent as much time as she could with them … absorbing. She watched their family, observed their friends, and felt their spirit. Catherine became convinced that she wanted what Rick and Michelle had. She was no longer aimless. She aligned her vision with her older brother’s example and started running as fast as she could. Less than a year later she crossed paths with me and decided to keep me. I am so glad that she did. I owe Rick and Michelle an eternal debt of gratitude for showing her the path, just as I came walking along in the same direction.

Rick and Michelle have had a wonderful influence on our children. Rick’s love of the outdoors and his ability to tease, poke, and pinch in any given situation makes him a unique force in the life of anyone who knows him. Michelle’s nurturing, kindness, attentiveness, and ability to feed masses of people make her a magnet for my 4 daughters. Together they are Rick and Michelle. We’ve spent Christmas mornings with Rick and Michelle, gone camping with Rick and Michelle, and had countless Sunday dinners with Rick and Michelle. I remember laughing together when our 3 year old Jessica actually believed that Michelle’s name was Rickandmichelle. We would point to Rick and she would say, “Uncle Rick” and we would point to Michelle and she would say, “Rickandmichelle”. I am so grateful for all the time they’ve spent as aunt and uncle to our children and all the time we’ve spent as aunt and uncle to theirs.

As for my own personal relationship with Rick … that can be summed up by the word ‘animals’. Grass hoppers launched in a model rocket, deafening frogs all night long, a moose in the salamander pond, salt water aquariums, an eel extraction at Suzy’s house, lizards, snakes, gerbils, chickens. Rick has always provided me with experience and equipment for keeping animals, and one or two of his sons for catching the creatures. He’s been a great older brother to me. And I have always wanted to prove myself to him, to try to show him that I was being a good husband to his little sister.

Premonitions
Catherine has been worried about Rick for years, but she started crying a week before the cancer was discovered. Rick had been in the hospital because of a bowl obstruction and it was unknown if surgery would be necessary. That Sunday morning, our Stake Patriarch and friend Owen Christensen died. Catherine couldn’t stop thinking of Rick and crying. She told me that night how worried she was and how she felt like we were watching him dying. The following Thursday at Owen’s funeral she had the same feelings. It was the next day, Friday, that Rick had his surgery and the cancer was discovered.

I had never really shared Catherine’s worries and fears, and I didn’t think much about Rick going in for another surgery on Friday. Catherine and I had a date that night and I was mostly thinking about that. But I did see Michelle at lunch on Friday. I asked her about the surgery scheduled for later that day and as she described it, I had a subtle impression that Rick would not last much longer. It was strong enough that I mentioned it to Catherine that night as we were getting ready for our date. I told her that I had felt like we needed to prepare for Rick to die soon and that it had been weird because I didn’t feel worried about the surgery. After we got out of the theater, we called Nichole from our car to find out how the surgery went and were told the news.

Reactions
My poor wife was torn open by the news. She cried with Nichole over the phone as we asked a few questions and got the answers that were available. When we hung up the phone she was overcome with racking sobs for her brother, for Michelle, and for her niece and nephews. I comforted her as best I could with an arm on her shoulder and kisses on her hands. We waited for her tears to flow quietly and then I started the car and drove us home. On the way home, and for the past three days, we have talked and talked about Rick and Michelle and their family. The next day we made a visit to the hospital where the reality of the situation sunk in. Catherine’s tears are still coming several times a day and we talk and hold each other close.

My reaction is different than Catherine’s. My tender feelings seem to center on Catherine’s relationship to Rick instead of my own. Today is Monday so I went back to work. Rick and I both work at Rescue Alert so the impossible news of his terminal cancer was rushing through the work place today. I was quickly discovered to be a source of first hand information, so I spent quite a bit of the day recounting the events and straitening out details. I have discovered, today, that I can talk about Rick’s condition, and the strength of his wife, and children without any problem. But when I talk about Catherine and Rick, when I try to express Catherine’s love for her brother I am silenced by my emotions and am unable continue. I can not adequately express the gratitude I feel for what Rick has done for his little sister; for the goodness that he has infused into her life and into mine. It just can’t be spoken.

Rick, Michelle, Adam, Nichole, Benjamin, Cameron and Alex – Catherine and I love you. We are proud to be your family. We are blessed to be your family. We will be here to love you in the coming months, and then after in the coming years. We will keep our faith and remain worthy to join with Rick again as family, sealed together by priesthood power as links in a chain in the kingdom of God.

I love you Rick. You are my wife’s bother, my children’s uncle, and my friend. I hope that in the coming weeks, the pain in your body will be tempered by the knowledge that we are grateful for the opportunity to spend these last moments in your presence here on this earth.

With love,
Jared